wishes and the wall

having no idea about what to write, i asked a friend.
his suggestions were wishes and walls.
to that end, i will take this as i would have taken an assignment from a favorite teacher or that professor in college and run with it.
and i will make it mine.

wishes
we all have them.
some are outlandish; others are attainable.
some are for material things, some for wealth, standing, position, love, sex... the list goes on.
mine are for children and a comfortably simple life off the grid.
children who grow up seeing people for who they really are.
for the beauty, or lack thereof, inside.
children who see and seek the truth in all things.
my wish was for 5 such children.
as luck would have it (or perhaps it was the universe in a sick display of fate) i have had 5 miscarriages.

i had one wish. it started years and years ago, and grew... and i let it grow... and nurtured that desired. and my husband and i worked toward that end. ...all to no avail.

wall
...and now i feel that wall, the one i had built up around my heart when i first met him, being built up brick by brick once again.
i tore it down.
i let him in.
i let myself dream. hope. wish.
i let myself believe.
and with each failed pregnancy, i felt another brick, another stone put in place.
and i want so badly to tear down this wall.
to let him in.
but part of me thinks he may be more comfortable with the wall than he is with my raw emotion.
some of me believes the wall is giving him some sort of respite from dreaming of children (and the expenses that come with them) and a happy houseful (and the cost of maintaining it)...
sometimes i fool myself into thinking this wall is just as much for him as it is for me.

...but i know,
i know deep down,
that this wall is for me.
it keeps me safe from hope and dreams and so i sit back and watch as the stones are placed carefully, for the strength and integrity of the wall must withstand much at this point.

maybe one day down the road, it will come down.
maybe one day i will feel like i can let emotion back in.
but for now,
for now i am okay with logic, facts, and reality.
nothing else need intrude for the time being.
my wall will see to that.