in defense of my [self-imposed?] misery

i cannot seem to shake the cloud.
it is dark and seems to block the happiness.
there is enough joy and beauty in the world that some sneaks through every now and again.
but every kid, every mention of family vacations or holidays seems to remind me how much stock we can place on the promise of something to come.
and if that never comes?
what then?
most people try to [politely] tell you to just let it all go.
just accept that it was never meant to be.
but when is that magical moment that the promise of seeing your kid grow and become an adult and have kids of their own, when does that go from a ridiculous assumption to something that others can recognize?
is it at birth?
is it when they reach the age of toddler and start to exert their own free will?
is it when they are older?
if not when you have that little picture of them growing inside you, if not when you first hear their heartbeat, then when?
because i challenge anyone to try and tell a parent who has lost their [born] child to just get over it.
and (this i know from experience) it matters not if that child is 12 or is 34. 
parents will always miss that child and the promise their child had... even if they are an adult when they passed.
so then, why is it so hard to understand that someone with a child on the way might have had plans for the upcoming holidays that had nothing to do with them and everything to do with that promise?
why can people not see that every time they see parents holding new babies and parents playing and laughing, and even struggling with their willful children, that it might cause some pain to someone who was looking forward to all of it. the good, the bad, and the ugly?
why can people say to an expectant mother that this was nature's mercy, but won't dare say that to parents who just lost a 12 year old?
why can people say that that baby was probably deformed or disabled and would have had a difficult time in this world, but if an adult with disabilities passes, everyone is in agreement about the hope and joy that person brought us all?

these are inconsistencies i cannot wrap my head around.

as i face the first christmas* on record that i do not look forward to, how can i make it clear to others pestering me to be happy and joyful that this christmas was supposed to be so much more? it was to be days away from the birth of our promise.
as that promise is gone, memories still linger and [unwittingly] pop up at the most inopportune moments.
and we are reminded how little our promise meant to anyone else.
or so they would have us believe.



*note - traditionally, i start my countdown to christmas in august... because then only two months to halloween which is almost thanksgiving which begins the christmas everything....