wishes and the wall

having no idea about what to write, i asked a friend.
his suggestions were wishes and walls.
to that end, i will take this as i would have taken an assignment from a favorite teacher or that professor in college and run with it.
and i will make it mine.

wishes
we all have them.
some are outlandish; others are attainable.
some are for material things, some for wealth, standing, position, love, sex... the list goes on.
mine are for children and a comfortably simple life off the grid.
children who grow up seeing people for who they really are.
for the beauty, or lack thereof, inside.
children who see and seek the truth in all things.
my wish was for 5 such children.
as luck would have it (or perhaps it was the universe in a sick display of fate) i have had 5 miscarriages.

i had one wish. it started years and years ago, and grew... and i let it grow... and nurtured that desired. and my husband and i worked toward that end. ...all to no avail.

wall
...and now i feel that wall, the one i had built up around my heart when i first met him, being built up brick by brick once again.
i tore it down.
i let him in.
i let myself dream. hope. wish.
i let myself believe.
and with each failed pregnancy, i felt another brick, another stone put in place.
and i want so badly to tear down this wall.
to let him in.
but part of me thinks he may be more comfortable with the wall than he is with my raw emotion.
some of me believes the wall is giving him some sort of respite from dreaming of children (and the expenses that come with them) and a happy houseful (and the cost of maintaining it)...
sometimes i fool myself into thinking this wall is just as much for him as it is for me.

...but i know,
i know deep down,
that this wall is for me.
it keeps me safe from hope and dreams and so i sit back and watch as the stones are placed carefully, for the strength and integrity of the wall must withstand much at this point.

maybe one day down the road, it will come down.
maybe one day i will feel like i can let emotion back in.
but for now,
for now i am okay with logic, facts, and reality.
nothing else need intrude for the time being.
my wall will see to that.

in defense of my [self-imposed?] misery

i cannot seem to shake the cloud.
it is dark and seems to block the happiness.
there is enough joy and beauty in the world that some sneaks through every now and again.
but every kid, every mention of family vacations or holidays seems to remind me how much stock we can place on the promise of something to come.
and if that never comes?
what then?
most people try to [politely] tell you to just let it all go.
just accept that it was never meant to be.
but when is that magical moment that the promise of seeing your kid grow and become an adult and have kids of their own, when does that go from a ridiculous assumption to something that others can recognize?
is it at birth?
is it when they reach the age of toddler and start to exert their own free will?
is it when they are older?
if not when you have that little picture of them growing inside you, if not when you first hear their heartbeat, then when?
because i challenge anyone to try and tell a parent who has lost their [born] child to just get over it.
and (this i know from experience) it matters not if that child is 12 or is 34. 
parents will always miss that child and the promise their child had... even if they are an adult when they passed.
so then, why is it so hard to understand that someone with a child on the way might have had plans for the upcoming holidays that had nothing to do with them and everything to do with that promise?
why can people not see that every time they see parents holding new babies and parents playing and laughing, and even struggling with their willful children, that it might cause some pain to someone who was looking forward to all of it. the good, the bad, and the ugly?
why can people say to an expectant mother that this was nature's mercy, but won't dare say that to parents who just lost a 12 year old?
why can people say that that baby was probably deformed or disabled and would have had a difficult time in this world, but if an adult with disabilities passes, everyone is in agreement about the hope and joy that person brought us all?

these are inconsistencies i cannot wrap my head around.

as i face the first christmas* on record that i do not look forward to, how can i make it clear to others pestering me to be happy and joyful that this christmas was supposed to be so much more? it was to be days away from the birth of our promise.
as that promise is gone, memories still linger and [unwittingly] pop up at the most inopportune moments.
and we are reminded how little our promise meant to anyone else.
or so they would have us believe.



*note - traditionally, i start my countdown to christmas in august... because then only two months to halloween which is almost thanksgiving which begins the christmas everything....

once a week

so, i think, though i have made this promise to myself before, that i have decided to write something here once a week.
i've decided that can be anything.
a random thought.
an observation.
a rant.
whatever.
but something.
just anything.
i used to write for hours a day.
and if not writing, i was drawing or reading or playing violin or piano.
(music is always playing at my house)
but now, music is it. i just listen for hours. 
and sometimes i read.
but most of my time is spent on the internet.
reading up on news, catching up with people and watching firefly or merlin or harry potter...
i have been using the internet and my computer, in general, as a means of escaping real life.
which isn't bad if i did it in moderation, but i haven't.

so, now, i think i will try to hold myself to about once a week. when the mood hits.
and hopefully the mood will hit more often as i pick this back up again.

the official bit of today's post
Ferguson, Missouri.
GAWD, that place is really in turmoil.
(that could really be said about our nation, in general... or even society as a whole.)
but the police, in yet another documented act of unwarranted aggression towards citizens, shot an young, unarmed man in Ferguson.
what the media is playing up is his race. as if that is somehow the catylist. 
(to be blunt,) fuck that.
i don't care if the person they shot was white, indigenous, asian, black, latino, purple or a fucking little green man from outer fucking space.
they. shot. an. unarmed. citizen.
again.
seriously.
how could police not think that this wouldn't eventually bite them in the arse?!
that said.
protests - i am all in favor for. as far as i am concerned, every damn citizen, no matter their race, should have taken to the streets over this. 
in peaceful protests.
rioting? mmm, yeah, not so much. looting?  fuck no.
both of the latter options reek of crowd psychology... that whole crowd mentality?
you know: that thing everyone loved in highschool pep rallies when everyone got so riled up because school spirit.
not really school spirit.
i mean, did you really think that your school was that awesome?
or was it more that you were whipped into a frenzy because others were doing the same?
because i felt rather like an outsider because... well, i was somewhat immune to that.
i faked it at times. (it was exhausting!)
but that is what happens at rallies.
just look at the emotional reactions at both pro- and anti- 2nd amendment rallies!
"save the children!"
"because constitution and 'merica!"
(don't even get me started on what i think of the pledge of allegiance)
the people of Ferguson are so emotionally charged (and with good reason) that all it takes is one trouble maker to get them riled up enough to get violent. and with businesses and people who have no bearing on the situation.
that shit bothers me.
that is why i avoid participation in so many things.
i hate how everyone pretty much ends up sharing one thought and acting on it.
well, no... i suppose if i was alive in MLK, Jr.'s day, i'd be all in on a peaceful protest.
marching, holding others accountable by being present day in and day out in order to draw attention to your cause (i mean, look at that cindy sheehan woman protesting in front of the white house a few years back) is the way to go.
stepping in (peacefully) by recording and vocalizing your dissent when an officer of the law goes too far is the way to go.
whipping a crowd into a frenzy to beat down said officer? not so much.
that said, we are back to the fact that the police (generally) deserve this. they (again, generally) have been overstepping their bounds for too long.
they've been beating up 70-something year old men who were suffering from diabetic attacks,
they've been tasering deaf men having diabetic attacks,
they've been breaking people's arms when they don't immediately stop having their seizure as ordered to do so by the cops. (the fuck?!)
(and please don't get me started on how they treat the family pets!!!)
tasing people and attacking people and shooting people who resist arrest.
who are being arrested... for what exactly?
well, never you mind, they can figure that out after they slap a resisting arrest charge on top of... whatever it was they were doing. ...or not doing.
that is the greatest problem.

so, militarization and mobilization of the police force in Ferguson?
just going to make matters worse.
it will just make more people angry.
and it just solidifies our (the people's, general) belief that the police are no longer here to protect and serve, but the police are, in fact, the enemy of the people.
and that, dear government, is NOT how you want the general or popular opinion to fall.

is there an answer?
not an easy one, that's for sure!
they could start (nationwide - though police unions would take issue with it) by suspending without pay any officer who is involved in a questionable incident.
and they should definitely get outside involvement to investigate such incidents.
and they should publically apologize and take responsibility for the shooting of the innocents.

and as for us?
for crissakes, people, google jury nullification!
educate yourselves!
good gawd, when you are called in for jury duty, consider all the evidence and then ask yourself who the victim of the supposed crime was.
was it a person?
a private citizen?
was property stolen? trashed?
or was the "state" the victim?
was it just a violation of a law on the books, yet no one was injured?
if the last two fit the bill, acquit.
find the alleged criminal not guilty as there is no real crime.

know your rights when you are stopped by an officer.
respectfully decline all searches.
answer no questions.
request an attorney.
and know about jury nullification.

honestly, nothing will change (we will just continue in a downward spiral) until we educate ourselves and allow logic and intelligence to beat out raw emotion.

i feel for this young man's family.
i cannot imagine.
but i highly doubt that rioting and looting are helping them deal with anything in the long run.

the nickname

i've always been a klutz.

and prone not only to accidents, but also, to being the one person caught while surrounded by others engaging in the same activity.

bad luck?

clumsy?

who knows.

definitely awkward.

first appearance of nickname

the just weeks before my first christmas at my [now husband's] family's house, i was talking to his mom when my shoulder somehow knocked a ceramic santa off the shelf.

i tried to catch it several times on its way down... 

as it banged against the wall and my ribs, hips, knees

until

somehow with my stocking feet, i managed to catch it

...inches from meeting its doom - the floor.

my future mother-in-law was terrified (the santa was a keepsake from her long since passed grandmother) and amused at how it all went down.

she said i was calamity prone.

my future husband told her she hadn't seen anything yet.

sealing the deal

that same christmas, my first with his family, i knew i loved not only him, but his family, and i let my guard down.

i sat in the chair designated for me next to the tree.

this was about 10 minutes after knocking all the stockings off the shelf.

i was asked to grab a specific gift and pass it.

i leaned over from the chair i was in, 

grabbed the gift,

the chair started to fall over,

i caught it and righted it...

and i fell against the christmas tree

and it started to go down.

i reached, as did my future father-in-law and a future brother-in-law, for the tree while my future husband sat amused and mother-in-law looked on in both amazement and horror.

the tree only lost a few ornaments

the whole family (both parents, all three brothers and their lady-friends, and my future husband) just stared at me.

"that was close."

it was all i could say.

"from now on, i am just going to call you calamity jane. i mean, i honestly don't know how you do it!"

my mother-in-law's nickname has lasted over 10 years now.

and honestly, it is so much nicer sounding than my own mother's nickname for me growing up:

"moosehands"

"you ruin everything you touch. do you even realize you're doing it?!"

-cj

and while we were here  - reflections on the 2012 film

i just watched this film. 

and sadly, i know all too well how true this story feels. 

within a marriage, even one not hastened by situation or necessity, there are many struggles, money being one of the best known. 

but that whole childbearing thing? it bears much weight. 

and it can be a smothering weight. 

with the husband often not acknowledging the pain or consequences after a miscarriage (or multiple miscarriages) but with the woman feeling lost... 

and that silence, that inability to get past it, or to discuss it, that lack of closure (because i don't know if that ever comes) is a huge stress on any marriage.

while all the reviews out there tout a loveless marriage as the backdrop, i would disagree. 

it is not a loveless marriage.

leonard, while emotionally blocked off, loves his wife. 

he just does not allow himself to let go long enough to show this love.

and her feelings of invisibility stem from his inability to really look at how this situation has effected her. how it has effected their marriage. i would surmise that this is because it would make him emotionally vulnerable and that is not a trait traditionally prized among men.

but it is necessary within a marriage.

one must make oneself emotionally vulnerable if one expects to survive the storms that can plague marriages.

and while i could never leave my spouse (he really is a good and beautiful man). while i could never forsake the promises i made him in marriage, and while i really just don't see me having any sort of affair or even tryst with a younger (or any other) man.

i do wholely understand how the character, jane, feels. i understand her feelings about her body. her almost inability to look at herself in the mirror. her feelings of invisibility where her husband is concerned. her need for love, affection, and understanding. her need to talk about the whole thing. her need to deal with it or else run.

i have felt that urge to just run away. to just leave all this crap and heartache behind.

but there is so much more. there is also love, laughter, moments of joy, small shared moments, our dogs (we love them like kids), our families (i really love his), our life together. and i know i could never leave all that because of this pain.

it doesn't fix things.

and bosworth's character's confrontation of her husband 70 minutes in was spot on. it wasn't over done or under done. not too much drama and not lacking emotion. just that exasperated quiet hopeless rage that tends to accompany fertility issues and their baggage especially if left unspoken.

as for my life? 
i know we still need to communicate more. we still need to get to that emotionally open place. but i am confident we will. and i am confident that time will show us how. that all will be revealed in time.

somehow.

i have to.

to do otherwise, that would either leave me in a "loveless" marriage or else wandering from relationship to relationship waiting for the mythical unicorn of relationships to fix all the things.

and that is just not reality.