A time to weep...

What some people (namely my dear supportive husband) don't understand is that sometimes my grief, my mourning is, for lack of a better term, stuck. It is stuck inside of me making it very difficult to breathe at times. And sometimes it becomes so much that I fear I might lash out in anger at someone who is not deserving of the anger.
And so I have taken to watching shows or movies that insight feels. Anything that allows me to open the floodgates for a bit.
Perhaps for some it feels counterintuitive. If you are overwhelmed with sadness, try to cheer yourself up. But the reality is, I have tried to do that for years. And I know me. I know I will slip into anger and then guilt over the anger and then, eventually, depression...
And I don't want that anymore. So I am trying something different. I am trying grief. I'm not going to (nor can I actually) force myself to cry. But I am using media (shows, movies, books) to help bridge that gap between sad angry me who wants to be numb and a healthier me who admits she has feelings. I can, in the privacy of my own home, get mad at characters being infantile; rage against those who are ugly; laugh at the funny moments; cry (or even sob) at the sad moments.

In April we found out we were expecting again. Or, rather, we found out we were pregnant again. I hoped with all my heart that we would actually be expecting. In late April we found out it was twins. And in early May their hearts stopped beating.
I decided to let things happen naturally this time. And, 3 weeks later with levels only dropping to what they were at 7 weeks, I decided I would the ante just a little bit with drugs to induce labor. Big mistake. Huge.
For roughly 18 hours I had all the pain of labor completely devoid of any happiness on the other end.
It was hell. And weeks later, my hCG levels are still rather high. So tomorrow I see the doctor. I may still need a D&C... if so, that is fine.
Next time I will try natural and IF that doesn't work, I will opt for surgical.
But in the meantime, I will try my best to roll with it.
This bitch called Life keeps on throwing punches, and, man, let me tell you... it is taking all my inner strength to keep on standing. (Though, oft times I find myself kneeling and begging for miracles.)
But for now, I will live and laugh and cry and rage however I can because it helps me.
And while you may not understand the how or why, you don't need to.
Because this is my life and these are my complex feelings and when the time comes I don't want to be numb or devoid of hope.
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.